The Truth About Domestic Violence

 

 

Domestic violence is an escalating pattern of abuse where one partner in an intimate relationship controls the other through force, intimidation, or the threat of violence. Abuse comes in many forms:

 

 

Physical	Kicking, punching, shoving, slapping, pushing, and any other acts which hurt your body.
Sexual	Calling you vulgar names, criticizing your body parts or sensuality, forced or pressured sexual acts, including rape.
Emotional	Assaults against your self-esteem
Verbal	Name-calling, threats, put-downs.
Psychological	Causing you to feel as if you are "going crazy".
Spiritual	Attacking your spiritual or religious beliefs.
Financial	Controlling and manipulating you by threatening your economic status and basic needs.
Homophobic	Threatening to "out" you to people who do not know your sexual orientation
Immigration	Using your immigration status and fear of deportation to control you.
Destructive Acts	Actual or threatened assault of your property or pets to scare you.

• A woman is beaten every nine seconds in the United States. Domestic violence is the most under-reported crime in the country, with the actual incidence 10 times higher than is reported.
• Eighty percent of children who live in homes where domestic violence occurs witness the abuse.
• Lesbian and gay domestic violence occurs in approximately one-third of these relationships, about as often as in heterosexual relationships.
• On average, four women are murdered every day by their male partner in the U.S. According to the District Attorney's Office, there were 21 deaths as a result of domestic violence in Santa Clara County in 1995.
• Women in the U.S. are in nine times more danger in their own homes than they are in the street.
• According to the U.S. Department of Justice, 95 percent of reported spousal assaults are committed by men against women. Assaults committed by women against men occur in approximately 5 to 10 percent of domestic violence matters.
• About 17 percent of women report experiencing physical or sexual violence during pregnancy.
• Battering prior to pregnancy is the primary predictor that battering will occur during pregnancy.

Domestic violence is one of the nation's best kept secrets. Myths and misunderstandings abound. Knowing the facts is an important step toward breaking the cycle of violence.

Fact:	Almost four million women are beaten in their homes every year by their male partners. Although the first violent incident may not be severe, once battering begins, it tends to increase in severity and frequency, sometimes leading to permanent injury or death. What may begin as an occasional slap or shove will turn into a pushing down the stairs, a punch in the face, or a kick in the stomach.
Fact:	Battering is not about anger or losing control; it is an intentional choice focused on maintaining power and control in the relationship. Batterers manage not to beat their bosses or terrorize their friends when they are angry.
Fact:	The batterer is responsible for the violence – not the victim. People are beaten for breaking an egg yolk while fixing breakfast, for wearing their hair a certain way, for dressing too nicely or not nicely enough, for cooking the wrong meal, or any other number of excuses. These incidents do not warrant or provoke violence. Even when you disagree, you do not deserve to be beaten. People who are battered do not want to be beaten.
Fact:	Violence does occur in same sex relationships, and the issues of power and control are similar to those found in heterosexual relationships. Homophobia allows us to trivialize the violence in same sex relationships and compounds the effects of the violence for the victim.
Fact:	Substance abuse is involved in about half of all domestic violence incidents. Although drugs or alcohol may lower a person's self-control, they do not cause violence. Batterers often use drugs or alcohol as an excuse or permission to batter and to avoid responsibility for their abuse.
Fact:	Because violence inflicted upon a woman by her partner is treated much differently than violence inflicted by a stranger, batterers are not always arrested. Traditionally, police were more likely to file a report if the offender was a stranger, rather than an intimate partner.
Fact:	Battering crosses all economic, educational, ethnic, sexual orientation, age, and racial lines in equal proportions. There is no "typical" victim.
Fact:	Batterers generally lead "normal" lives except for their unwillingness to stop their violence and controlling behavior in their intimate relationships. Batterers do not batter because they are crazy or mentally ill.

 

 

 

People stay with abusive partners for many different reasons. By understanding these reasons, you can explore your options for living a violence-free life and avoid feelings of guilt and isolation.

 

 

 

• You fear you will be beaten more severely.
• Your batterer has threatened to find and kill or harm you, your children, and your family.
• You depend on the batterer for shelter, food, and other necessities.
• You have no one to talk to who understands and believes you.
• You believe your children need two parents, and you don't want to raise them alone.
• You want to keep the family together and live up to your religious commitment to remain with your partner.
• You fear that you won't be able to take care of yourself and your children alone.
• You want to stand by your partner and be loyal to the relationship.
• Your partner has threatened to commit suicide if you leave.
• You believe that things will get better. You believe that no one else will love you.
• You fear your family and friends will be ashamed of you.
• You feel ashamed, embarrassed, and humiliated and don't want anyone to know what is happening.
• You think others will believe that you are "low class" or stupid for staying as long as you already have.
• You believe that you need to be in a relationship to feel like a complete person.
• You fear that you will be deported or that your children will be taken out of the country.
• If you are in a same sex relationship, you fear that you will be "outed" or that no one will believe you.
• Your job is to make the relationship work, and if it does not work, you are to blame.
• If you stay, you can "save" the batterer and help him or her get better.

It is a myth that people don't leave violent relationships. Many leave an average of five to seven times before they are able to leave permanently. You are in greater danger from your partner's abuse when you leave. Only you can decide what is best for you and your children. Whether you decide to remain with your abusive partner or leave, it is important for you to plan for your safety.

Children and Domestic Violence...

• Children who live in a home where battering occurs are likely to experience a variety of negative effects and problems.
• Children may be injured during an incident of violence, may suffer feelings of helplessness, may blame themselves for not preventing the violence or for causing it, and may be abused or neglected themselves.
• Children in violent homes face a dual threat: witnessing traumatic events and the threat of physical assault.
• Children living with domestic violence experience unnaturally high levels of anxiety.
• Children may suffer Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (similar to what war veterans suffer) even after a single incident.
• Children exposed to domestic violence often experience difficulties in school.
• Children living in violent homes have more frequent incidents of truancy, theft, insomnia, temper tantrums, and violence toward others than children raised in a non-violent atmosphere.
• Studies indicate that boys exposed to family violence tend to be overly aggressive and disruptive.
• Studies show that girls who are exposed to family violence tend to withdraw and behave more passively than girls not exposed to violence.
• Children who live in abusive homes have a higher risk of juvenile delinquency and substance abuse.

The Power and Control Wheel...

 

 

 

Abusive relationships are based on the mistaken belief that one person has the right to control another. When the actions described in the spokes of this wheel and on the next page don't work, the person in power moves on to actual physical and sexual violence. The relationship is based on the exercise of power to gain and maintain control. The dignity of both partners is stripped away.

 

 

 

Using Intimidation
Making you afraid by using looks, actions, or gestures. Smashing things.	Destroying property. Abusing pets. Displaying weapons.
Using Emotional Abuse
Putting you down. Making you feel bad about yourself. Calling you names.	Making you feel guilty. Making you think you are crazy. Playing mind games. Humiliating you.
Using Isolation
Controlling what you do, whom you see and talk to, what you read, and where you go.	Limiting your outside involvement. Using jealousy to justify actions.
Denying, Blaming, Minimizing
Making light of the abuse and not taking your concerns about it seriously. Saying the abuse didn't happen	Shifting responsibility for abusive behavior to other people or circumstances. Saying you caused the abuse.
Using Children
Making you feel guilty about the children. Using the children to relay messages.	Using visitation to harass you. Threatening to take the children away
Using Male Privilege
Making all the big decisions. Acting like "Master of the Castle".	Being the one to define men's and women's roles. Treating you like a servant.
Using Economic Abuse
Preventing you from getting or keeping a job. Making you ask for money. Giving you an allowance.	Taking your money. Not letting you know about or have access to family income.
Using Coercion and Threats
Making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt you. Threatening to "out" you.	Threatening to leave you, to commit suicide, to report you to Welfare authorities. Making you do illegal things.

The Equality Wheel...

 

 

 

Healthy relationships are based on the belief that two people in a relationship are partners with equal rights to have their needs met and equal responsibility for the success of the partnership. In this equality belief system, violence is not an option because it violates the rights of one partner and jeopardizes the success of the relationship. The dignity of both partners is built up in a relationship based on equality.

 

 

 

Non-Threatening Behavior
Talking so that you feel safe and comfortable expressing yourself and doing things.	Acting so that you feel safe and comfortable expressing yourself and doing things.
Respect
Listening to you non-judgmentally. Valuing your opinions.	Being emotionally affirming and understanding.
Trust and Support
Respecting your right to have your own feelings, friends, activities, and opinions...	Supporting your goals in life.
Honesty and Accountability
Accepting responsibility for self. Acknowledging past use of violence.	Admitting being wrong. Communicating openly and truthfully.
Responsible Parenting
Being a positive, non-violent role model for the children.	Sharing parental responsibilities.
Shared Responsibility
Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work.	Making family decisions together.
Economic Partnership
Making money decisions together.	Making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements.
Negotiation and Fairness
Seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict.	Accepting change. Being willing to compromise.

Substance Abuse and Domestic Violence...

Alcohol or drug use is present in an estimated 65 to 80 percent of all domestic violence incidents. Families affected by domestic violence typically experience a higher rate of alcohol and or drug use than families not affected by battering.

While the batterer may blame substance use for the battering, it is important to know that alcohol and drugs do not cause violence; however, the violence and abuse may be more severe during use. Domestic violence and substance abuse are two different problems and each requires specialized intervention.

The above information has been taken verbatim from the Domestic Violence Information and Referral Handbook. Click on the preceding link to visit and read the full page from the Domestic Violence Project of Silicon Valley California (link to the home page).